AOL, Wal*mart and Hilly Bibble Babble

Visiting AOL chat rooms is similar to shopping at Wal*mart; although you can find what you need for cheap, you will surrounded by a carnival freak show should you enter the establishment.

Goats adorned in white trash “wife beaters” pounding on keyboards with cracked hooves could not make more of a racket (or any more sense) than the majority of participants in the chat forums. Where else can one rub shoulders with a person who not only believes the earth is 6000 years old but also embraces the theory that mental health disorders such as depression are “of the devil”?

My goodness, does this mean that TFMM (aka Paris Michael) is trapped in wedlock with a demon tamer? I really must ask if Dr. Sultry has them trained to blow horns on command. Perhaps they jump through fiery hoops at this point? I would imagine that he uses the positive reinforcement reward system in order to avoid any civil suits from demon welfare rights groups. Each followed command earns the demon a morsel. Perhaps a small, frightened child would suffice? This could create a whole new market for demon whisperers and reality television programs.

Demons. The fundies profess that “all gays suffer from gay demons.” This astonishing revelation would explain why gay men are so sophisticated in regard to designer clothing and fashion. They will never go astray and find themselves attired in a socially unacceptable outfit thanks to the whispered hiss of the gay demon on their shoulder. I would presume that fundies believe the entire conversation might go something like this:

Larry: Oh, I need a new shirt

Gay Demon: Of course you do.

Larry: Oh look, there’s a sale at Kmart!

Gay Demon: Are you OUT OF YOUR MIND? You can’t be seen in Basic Edition! How gauche.

Larry: Oh, what was I thinking?

Gay Demon: Look to your right, darling! Armani released the fall line. All gay men wear Armani.

Larry: They do?

Gay Demon: Yesssss!

Larry: That’s for me then.

Gay Demon: We’ll put it on credit. By the way, you’re not prancing nearly enough. Swish, darling, swish.


Fundies seem convinced that demons (and gays) are set upon the earth to drive straight, goodly, purist Christians into the bowels of hell. This would explain why fundies type as if straining to have a bowel movement.

They rant malevolent slurs even as they thump their holy bible (hilly bibble, as one dear person terms it. She was promptly burned at the stake for her “mockery of God” and his minion, Paul.) I concur: it is puerile Hilly Bibble babble (say that ten times fast, dear Readers.)

One can not have an opposing opinion on the bible. The minute a person poses any speculation that goes against fundie drivel, they are labeled as witches, people who mock God, unsaved, unchristian, children of Satan, antichrists and bound for hell. Such people are in good company, for fundies cast the same disparaging remarks towards Catholics, Mormons, Muslims, Wiccans, Jews, Mennonites, Agnostics, Atheists and Teletubbies.

They gush the virtues of Paul (Peter is Satan himself) or of Timothy (because they think Timothy wrote the Book of Timothy) yet fail to quote one passage in reference to Christ’s actual teachings (found in the first four books of the New Testament.) In fact they seem unusually drawn to scriptures that cover homosexuality, immorality, adultery and other sexual topics (I sense that fundies are possessed by sex demons.)

Better Half proposes that their bibbles have a concordance that only shows “the bad things” and not the “good things”. I would have to agree. Every page containing verse which casts sinners into the Lake of Fire has been laboriously highlighted, dog eared, salivated on and used to enhance the fundie bedroom experience.

They seem infatuated with anything typed while the keyboard has the CAPS LOCK engaged. Typing in caps lock is the sign of an online prophet but only if the font colour is harsh black or fire engine red.



They firmly believe that Only True Christians founded America. These founding fathers were NOT Masons – and anyone who says that Washington was a Mason is a laissez-faire crack-head under the control of a Democratic Party Demon. (Oh please, Autrice! When has a fundie ever utilized fancy words?)

Noah kept dinosaurs on the ark. Dinosaurs pulled Marco Polo’s chariot as well. God killed the dinosaurs off in the great flood. (I had no idea that Marco Polo lived before Noah’s time. Did you? Where the hell did he get the chariot?) Humans are not primates. Classification is a tool of the devil. Radiocarbon dating is a lie propagated by Al Gore. Global warming is also a lie. God created the rainbow as a promise to mankind and the “evil faggots” corrupted that symbol.

All Democrats want to give special rights to illegal aliens, gays, unwed mothers with children out of wedlock, and farm animals. Your “Christian Reichs is in jeeopurdee!” There are laws on the table that will prohibit you from vomiting your hatred towards groups of people! Stand up for Jebus’ sake and do something!!!!!!!

(I would like to inquire if, should David’s Law pass, I would be prohibited from singling out fundies in blog posts as it is persecution of a (lower) class of people? Of course not, Autrice! A fundie is simply a fanatic of the Christian persuasion, and it has nothing to with the actual Christian faith itself. Silly me.)

What distresses me most the fundie approach to education. They remove their children from public school to prevent them from becoming familiar with sanity. They insist on “hom skulling” their loin berries to the point of stunting the child’s ability to rationalize and think freely. These same people can not spell, can not articulate their thoughts intelligibly in a public forum, have little regard for the rest of humanity and feel that it is their God given right to raise their children by teaching them twisted scripture passages (coming soon to a Jebus camp near you: Twisted Scripture, the hard rock band of Revelations… sold out tour!)

The very idea conjures up a mental image of a doily bedecked steel cage set in a country-kitsch themed kitchen somewhere in the great Midwest, over which is suspended a forbidding funnel. The child is placed inside the cage and strapped down. The funnel is rotated and secured in the child’s mouth and the parent begins humming “Bringing in the Sheep” whilst force-feeding that child a steady diet of grains, hormones and shredded pages of the KJV.

Another idea comes to mind: a fanatical youth camp, where children are taught to hate those outside their doctrine and all free thinkers. Frightening indeed, considering that I was not dwelling on corrupted Muslim youth camps in the Middle East.

It is time for America to stop catering to these zealots. We need scrupulous and goodly Christians to step up to the plate and stuff the Pharisees back under their rocks.