Sleep Apnea Man

I had a relatively futile night, thanks to Apnea Man - aka Better Half, Lord of the Upper Decibel Snores. Smothering him with a pillow would earn me twenty years to life. I did momentarily mull over smothering him with the cat, however the cat (being a goddess) failed to comply with my frantic coaxing.

All kidding aside, I am rather exhausted at the moment. I attempted to capture a bit of sleep via a sleeping pill (and two different pain pills, and a secondary muscle relaxant.) It was to no avail, as Better Half tends to jerk his legs after each thunderous, rasping intake of breath. In my giddy fatigue-induced state I plead guilty to contemplating the purchase of two anal plugs – one for each nostril – as a remedy for the situation. There is no such thing as “instant delivery” of course. Perhaps I should have opened two bottles of wine and make use of the corks? If that technique was unsuccessful, the only other alternative would be to wallop Better Half soundly on his hard noggin with a third bottle of wine.

I am forcibly reminded of a joke sent to me a while back: men snore when they sleep on their backs as a result of the fact that their scrotums cover their anus, which creates vapor lock. Better Half must surely be better endowed than most as he snores no matter his position in bed.

I had deliberated shopping the commissary today. This is now scratched off my “to do” list. I also aspired to clean the upstairs, vacuum the downstairs, and perhaps wash down the kitchen cabinets during my annual spring clean. Instead, I will curl up in bed once the freight train/B-52 has had his fill of sleep and has departed from the bedroom.

I am so damned tired that words can not begin to convey the state of weariness I currently am enduring. My only solace was bumping into Ox and Perry online. Both possess a keen sense of humor and their levity was much appreciated.

Who am I kidding? I have entered Bitch Mode (no thanks to an inordinate amount of physical pain this week) and I am taking my frustrations out in print. I harbor no ill will towards Better Half; indeed, it is not his fault that he does suffer from sleep apnea. He is currently undergoing testing to establish the degree of it. I still love him dearly.

Hark! Do my ears deceive me, or has the house ceased vibrating from the noise? Perhaps I could sneak back under the covers and attempt to achieve actual REM? It is worth a try.

2 responded with...:

Roadchick said...

Tampons, not anal plugs.

The physics involved in achieving that sort of vapor lock boggles the mind. The 'chick is too tired to even begin to contemplate it and on second thought - does not really want to, but hey! congratulations!!!


Kimberley McGill said...

Ahhh! Blissful sleep. I had my first one in a long time last night - - heavenly!